Thursday, September 9, 2010

"Faith in God, Then We’re Right."

On Sunday, one of my favorite people ever is leaving.

My best guy friend, John, is shipping out for basic Army training, and I'm super proud of him.
But with that, I also know I'm gonna miss the crap out of him.
If you guys could keep him in your prayers, that would be fantastic.

Saturday, July 17, 2010


Soooooo I got a mohawk. Yes, for real. I cut the sides of my hair real short.
Want some proof?

Spiked with shaving cream!

Yup! It's beautiful and I love it! I'm gonna get it cut shorter so I can actually spike it.
Love it?

If I Can't Play For Them, I'll Blog For Them!

Hey guys! Man, I sure do suck at updating this thing. So many amazing things have happened that I can't wait to tell you about!
One of the COOLEST things was being picked as an official Cornerstone Festival blogger! That's right! I got to be a part of a team whose sole purpose was to write about an experience that words simply cannot express. Impossible task? Yes, but we sure were up for it! Here are the links to the posts I wrote!

Enjoy these! I hope to be back writing soon!
Love you all,

Saturday, May 8, 2010

I Know, This Is Lame

Guys, seriously. I feel like an idiot for not writing. Not that I get a ton of feedback, but for my 4 readers, I need to keep putting stuff out there.
I found these old blogs I wrote about a year ago about my thoughts on love. I figured Id share them since I was real keen on them at the time I wrote them.
...I Began To Wonder If Love Will Ever Hold Me...
Thursday, April 16, 2009 at 10:51pm
Being post-breakup is teaching me a lot. God is taking me by the shoulders and in between hugs is shaking some sense into me, and I love it. In trying to avoid rebounding and the like, I've found a guy that is my best guy friend and like a brother to me. He challenges me to get in my Bible and fall in love with Jesus over and over just like Ty said I should.
Whoops, I'm getting off subject. Anyway.
We've been considering a relationship because we see healthy potentials there, but God has been putting up a roadblock. A big yellow sign that says "Hey, you two, Wait." In this season of waiting, I've gotten to do a lot of self evaluation, and I've found so many unhealthy flaws that carry over to my relationships, and I'm trying to work on those.
Also, I got myself a copy of The Thing That Poets Write About by Bradley Hathaway. I was at my grandma's house, just me and Isaiah, listening to this cd. This guy writes all these sad love songs that you can find your own pain in. I looked around at the wedding pictures and 50th anniversary pictures and I was listening to these sad songs about real love and thinking about the family that lived in this house...and I realized that I have no personal concept of love. Don't get me wrong, I've seen it in good marriages, and I've and some really good boyfriends, but I honestly don't think I've experienced real romantic love.
And as I was sitting there, mulling over this idea, listening to these sad songs, and I can't really explain how I felt. But now, I want to know what it is.
I was reading in Song of Solomon where it says, "Don't awaken love until it so desires" and I'm trying to take that to heart and see how it applies to me.
Let's back up to where I said "falling in love with Jesus over and over just like Ty said." About three weeks ago, I was sitting in CCC's youth group. and Chad asked who trusted God. I looked around the room and saw everyone with their hands up. But it didnt matter that they did, I could not raise my hand and be honest with myself. After that night, I just started digging into God's word and talking about God with Travis. In those three-ish weeks, its been amazing. i cant describe the turn-around. God is so good, and every day is beautiful. I want to write a million songs about it, because its love. Beautiful, true, passionate, raw, redeeming love. And He teaches me what love really is. I wish I could share this all with you.
I don't know if I'm making a point or even making any sense, but I thought I would try to explain my thought process.

Then a little while later, I wrote this one. This was when I had just started a relationship with Travis(The Foremans are his family, FYI)
I'm really enjoying all this thinking about how I don't get love. So I decided I'm going to write about it again. Thats why this is called "You Wont Want To Read This."
I've been trying to so some serious thinking about love. Not the cute gooey stuff that teen couples have(Don't get me wrong, I love that kind), but the real lasting kind. The kind it takes to make it "to death do us part."
I've been able to see great marriages around me all my life, and I've seen how deeply and truly they can be hurt, and I've seen what it takes to fix them. And I've realized that, contrary to what I previously believed, the "love" I've experienced in past relationship was nowhere near the real stuff. Shockingly, I'm ok with that. Actually, I'm pretty excited about it.
When we walked into the prom, two of the Foreman's family friends came running up to us and the young lady stuck out her left hand and showed off her engagement ring. I added her on Facebook and got to look at the engagement pictures of her and her fiance. They are entering into that real kind of love, and even though I hardly know them, I'm excited for them and its great to see.
It happened again. I was sitting in Travis's living room thinking about the conversation we had had with them earlier that day about relationships and how they looked at each other, or when Mr Foreman kissed his wife(I wasn't watching, sicko, it happened to catch my eye). I was thinking about the challenges they've had in raising four great kids and everything that had taken place in this house. I could see if between them, and I felt really blessed to just be in the presence of that. It makes me really excited for if/when I get to know that.
I'm not saying I'll learn this real love with Travis, or anyone within the next five, ten, or twenty years, but it was great to think about the mystery it is.
I can hardly wait.

I still think of Mr. and Mrs. Foreman quite a lot, even though their son and I are no longer together.They're really an amazing couple, and even though theyre not in my life very much anymore, I still love them so much,

So, I encourage you to go get a copy of The Thing That Poets Write About, The Thing That Singers Sing About and just sit down and listen to it all the way through(I just loaned my copy to my current romance interest. Im so excited for his thoughts!). Let it let you think. And if you hate it, well, then you dont have to trust my taste in music ever again.

Look up, look up, look up into the sky, love.
You see that moon shining so high up above us?
It rolls around on account of a bunch of scientific stuff,
I like to think He does it just because He loves us.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Just A Thought

(Ill be posting soon! I promise! Maybe Ill talk about...stick and poke?)

"...Everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." - Sylvia Plath

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Dear Future Husband,
I miss you so terribly right now. Are you thinking of me?
Semper Fedelis, my dear.


Friday, March 26, 2010

Im Too Selfish For Catchy Titles

Ok, this is probably the biggest epiphany Ive had in a while, and its a doozy.
So hold on to your seats, ladies, here it is:

I am selfish.

You say, "Wait...that's it?" Yes. That's it. But before you title me as the blogger who cried wolf, give me a chance to explain.
About a month or so ago, I was talking to one of my closest friends at the time. He and I had been flirting the line between friendship and "relationship" for a little while, but I just wasn't sure if that was what I really wanted. Then one night, during another one of our regular 11P.M. phone calls, he began to get very frustrated, upset, and maybe even angry. In a slow voice that was beginning to shake with anger, he said four words that broke me.
"You are so selfish."

Now, before you charge after him with pitchforks and torches for being so rude, let me be the first to say, he is completely right. I am selfish, and I am learning that.
I had been telling him the whole time that I didn't really know if I wanted a relationship, but I was treating him as if I did, and as if he were my boyfriend, though that wasn't even what I really wanted. He had every right to be angry.
But since then, for completely different reasons, we haven't been able to talk much recently, and I've been able to clear my head from the self-inflicted smog that romantic emotions and words bring, and Ive been able to think. I hung out with some guys around my age, and some teen couples, and thought about how much I wanted a someone.Someone to hold my hand and kiss my cheek. Someone to be there, and be mine. Then I wondered why. Why did I want a someone so bad? Did I want it so I could pour myself into that person and deny myself for them?
Not at all!
I want a someone for me. To make me feel special. To make me feel valuable.
How messed up is that? I'm ashamed to admit my mind even functions that way. Love is not about yourself at all, and I'm turning it into something so ugly and about me. That's not love, that's lust. That's not love, that's pure, unadulterated selfishness.
So now, here I am, with this huge realization. What's next? While I do believe that being aware of it is half the battle, there is still half a war to be fought with no strategy. I do know that until this is healed and changed for good, remaining single is the best, if not, the only choice. But aside from that, what?
I'm open for advice and willing to share with you your struggles along the road. I'm not in this alonem and neither are you.

Now that I've laid all my dirt out there, what about you? How can you make your life and your actions about someone else, whether it be romantically like me, or even a friend or sibling?

I encourage you, no, I challenge you to find some way today to make an everyday thing about someone else. And I challenge you to do it tomorrow
and the next day
and the next.
Maybe you'll have an epiphany of your very own.


Friday, March 12, 2010

Beauty, To Me.

You're probably going to think I'm weird for calling this beautiful, but it is.
Let me back up.
I go to a big music festival called Cornerstone, and 3 years ago, I fell in love with the punk rock scene/movement, and I identify myself with it.
Yes, the mohawks, spikes, studs, patches...I love it all. Even though its often looked down upon as a group with angst, hatred, and anarchism, there is so much more to it if you take the time to look.

I'm also a follower of Jesus Christ.
(Wait, what? You can be both?)
And I find some of the punk rock Christians to be some of the most passionate people I've ever seen in my life.
This is Nate from FBS, reading from the Bible, live on stage.

And this is their drummer, Andrew.

I was walking around at the fest and made my way to Fat Calf stage, where a church service had just ended. But it was far from over. Andrew was standing near the stage with a young man, and what I saw will stay with me forever. Andrew had one arm around the guy, and the other was emphatically gesturing to show his passion. Both of them had their eyes closed. I stood close and watched(*cough* eavesdropped *cough*)as Andrew prayed for this guy.
I can honestly say I dont think I've ever seen anyone pray with such fervor. I wish I could just replay for you a few seconds of the minute or so I watched God using a dirty, 'angsty' punk like Andrew to change lives. That was beautiful.

And this.

Flatfoot 56 has been so influential in my walk with God. I wait all year for these 5 minutes right here(There are 99 days left till this year's Amazing Grace sing-a-long)
Let me explain why I love it.
Its midnight, and you've spent all day in the hot sun and the dirt and the dust, but you've got enough energy left in you for this one show. You spend all night running in the pits and helping up the people who fall. You're sweaty and gross, and so are the other 200 people crammed in this tent. Then, you know its coming. You put your arms around the people next to you, and chances are, they're big, burly guys that you've never met in your life, and you're just a little 17 year old girl. Their sweat is mixing with yours, and dripping off your elbow. The the entire place goes quiet in anticipation. The bagpipes drone, and then the first few notes of Amazing Grace are distinguishable. And you sing. You, the guys next to you, the guys on stage, your mom who came to try to understand why you love this so much, and every punk rock kid that some "Christians" would say are going to Hell for that haircut. You sing from your gut, and you dont even care if you hit a wrong note, because there is such a presence of God right there, that all you can do its sing.

I cant help but nearly cry every time I watch this video, because in some way, I think that's really how God intended us to be. Close, intimate, passionate, and all for Him. Maybe the sweat isnt so cute. Maybe the heat doesnt make you look so pretty. But a close encounter with God?
That is truly beautiful.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Picture Perfect(?)

I just finished reading a blog by Sarah Markley about beauty, and I figured I would chime in.

Most days, I look like this.
Note the acne and greasy hair.
But last Friday, I got to be this.
Sure, I had the help of a make up artist(My dear friend, Laci), but I feel like in that photo, I am beautiful. But is it lasting?
I posted the photo to my facebook and within hours, I had friends telling me how beautiful I looked. And a message from one of my other friends, who makes a living out of editing photos. He said that he enjoyed knowing every post-photography process that was used to make that photo so 'beautiful.'
And doubt kicked in. "Is that really what I looked like?" "How much was photoshop?" "How much concealer did Laci have to use?"
Then I realized.
It doesnt matter.

Today, my brother and I got a DVD of videos and pictures from a summer camp we attend, and I watched a video of one of my favorite skits from that week. The main character struggles with seeing herself as God's masterpiece, but God comes and shows her that when she surrenders over all the ugliness and flaws, He can make something truly beautiful.

So now, I start the process of handing over all those flaws. All the ugliness. Everything not of God. As he chisels away all the junk, His true masterpiece is sure to emerge.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Just Because...

This post is for Aaron.

Because he wanted to know when he was going to get a post about him.

I think he's just jealous of max.

1) .hope now.

I've recently become obsessed with anchors as a symbol of hope. I've said that I want to spend the rest of my life helping hurting teens, preferably through music. So I'm pulling some ideas together, and this is what I've got so far. I want the anchor to be an icon. Like the Jesus fish or the letters TWLOHA. So every day, I will draw an anchor on my arm and write the word hope above or below it, and this is what it means.

"I care about you. I understand that you're hurting. I am a safe person to talk to.
I want to help."

Maybe it's unrealistic. Maybe it will never help anyone. But if you dont do anything, nothing will ever happen. So that's what I'm doing starting now.
I'm going to try to think of how to pitch it to Fishsticks & Milk, because with their exposure to teens in our area, it could do some real good.

Everything rides on hope.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

I Should Probably Become a Nun...

The title has nothing to do with my last blog. Its about what I'm sharing with you today. I wrote this, as i call it, "pseudopoem" about a boy who then decided he didn't want to like me. I should probably swear off boys for a while.
We are both becoming such good actors. We play these parts of "just friends" so well. No one would know, we keep them all guessing. But we know the whispers we trade. You ask me to wait, hold back my heart through these years that threaten to keep us apart. But we both know I can't make promises. We both know that's asking too much. So we put on the make up and play our parts well. And entwine our fingers when the bright lights fade. But slowly, it fades to grey. And suddenly I see.
You're too good an actor for me.

Thanks to max for commenting on my last blog. You should probably leave a link to yours so i can read it C:

Friday, February 19, 2010

bono: "there's nothing worse than a rockstar with a cause."

Monday, February 15, 2010

Mason, Mason, Mason

I know I said I was gonna be posting writings from the Open Book project, but this is just something i really need to just write down. So its real time Open Book.

"There is nothing for you to offer a guy anymore."
How does a girl react to hearing that from one of her friends? What is she supposed to think? Or do?
This is the question I'm asking myself currently. But let me back up and tell you the story.

I have a friend named Mason. Mason is a Christian and sings in a punk band that I'm quite fond of. I developed a friendship with him this summer and we've bonded through our mutual love of punk rock, Jesus, and Cornerstone. Somewhere along the line I began to tell him about the poor choices I had made in a past relationship. No, I'm still a virgin(And you'll have to keep that in mind throughout the rest of this post. Mason's words will make you think otherwise.) And I never thought he thought a thing of it, aside from the initial disappointment and empathy. That was, until a month ago.

Seemingly out of nowhere, he began to share with me some of the finer points of his doctrine. Mason believes that:
A. God views sexual acts as sex.
B. God views sex as marriage.
so he believes
C. Sexual acts are viewed as marriage. Period.

Now, Im not saying that he is wrong. im saying I dont agree with him, AND I wont blindly accept his reality untill I look into it for myself. So as we had that discussion a month ago, I got more frustrated untill he decided he was going to "protect the friendship by not replying to me and let me be with Jesus."

What?! He dropped a spiritual bombshell and left me alone and torn? Thats just messed up.

So for a month, I thought about it occasionally, but not seriously. Then, on Valentine's Day(Sunday), we had an hour long discussion that ended in this.

"Please stop texting me. I haven't read your texts. I wont. This is so much harder for me than you know :( I need to focus on rescuing children and this disappointment from you is overwhelming. Im crying so hard! :( And please honor your past by obeying the scripture. Dont become an adulterer. I know you cant have a baby by another man. Youll look into your baby's eyes and cry knowing that mommy was with another man before daddy. It will pierce your heart to see those innocent eyes and remember your wrong. And even if it WERE ok to marry another man you must ask yourself, "How could I do this to my husband? How could I not have saved myself for him?" Remember your words. There is nothing for you to offer a guy anymore. Goodbye, please. But Jesus loves you. You're forgiven. Walk in that"

Phew. What an earful. Let's break this down.

"I need to focus on rescuing children."
Mason's band has the wonderful pleasure of being a spokesgroup for Compassion International, and they are very proud of this, as they should be.
But I think it's gone to Mason's head. He'd like to focus on the lives of third world, impoverished children. Awesome. But what about the kid right in front of him who needs some rescuing? I need rescuing from my guilt. My sin. My choices. And most importantly, from the condemnation of Mason himself. I need love, not a self-righteous man who appoints himself as my judge and jury.

"And please honor your past by obeying the scripture." What about in 1 Corinthians 13, where it says, "Love keeps no record of wrongs?"
What about Psalm 32:5 that says “...I confessed all my sins to You and stopped trying to hide them. I said to myself, ‘I will confess my rebellion to the LORD.’ And You forgave me! All my guilt is gone.”
Or Jeremiah 33:8? Isaiah 1:18
The list goes on and on.( was a great resource!)

"I know you cant have a baby by another man. Youll look into your baby's eyes and cry knowing that mommy was with another man before daddy. It will pierce your heart to see those innocent eyes and remember your wrong."
What?! Just...what?

"Jesus loves you." Yes, Mason, He does. He loved me so much that He said this, "I, the Lord made you, and I will not forget to help you. I have swept away your sins like the morning mists. I have scattered your offenses to the clouds. Oh, return to me, for I have paid the price to set you free." And I returned to Christ after falling away and making the poor choice that brought forth this whole conversation. I seek Him deeper than ever before.

"You're forgiven. Walk in that"
And so I will. I am forgiven. Jesus has washed me white as a wedding gown. The one that I believe no amount of sin should separate me, or anyone who made the choices I made, from wearing one day.

Saturday, February 13, 2010


(This is a real time post, not from the Open Book project)
I have recently been very rude, and offended my friend Tom. Tom is a very talented musician who makes me look like I know nothing. He composes music that blows me away and is very beautiful. But he is the one who I referenced in an earlier blog called Seriously?
Let me clarify.
Tom is NOT pretentious.
He is deeper than I can understand at my 17 year old vantage point.
His art, music, and photography(and here on his Facebook, where lots of good ones are)is more than I will probably ever be capable of, and i am jealous of it.
Just because I didnt understand his music does NOT mean that no one else can.
I only used our conversation about his lyrics as a launching off point for the blog and the idea that we take ourselves to seriously. So Im stating this as best as I can.
I was wrong.
And if you guys are interested in his music, PLEASE go check it out here.
My personal favorite(If you trust my judgment) is If So. I hope you all find the true beauty in his music that I understated.
I am sorry.

Friday, February 12, 2010

The First of Many About Fishsticks & Milk

I'm doing lots of thinking today...I think.
Fishsticks & Milk has officially made me an officer of their non-profit organization. Along with that, they asked me to be in charge of a show. Today we finally got the date and one of the bands pulled out. But I'm getting off topic.
I love telling people the story about how I joined F&M, but every time I do, I'm afraid that I come across as bragging. I had the privilege of donating some money to them, and I love telling that part. Not because I want people to think I'm a good person! But simply because it felt so good to contribute toward something like F&M because they're doing what I want to be doing. I tell the story to share my joys and my passions. Not to boost how someone views me. It feels like a rock and a hard place. The other day Tyler asked me how they could ever thank me for what I do for them(Which honestly isn't much!) And this is what I said. "Give kids a place where they can be distracted from the pain in their lives. I place where they can just forget their pain, be happy, and be a kid."
That's why I support them, That's why I tell the story. I don't want the story to be about how I'm such a "great person." I want the story to me about a bunch of college kids who are giving kids a place to go. Who are giving back. Who are making real change. And that's something to be taken seriously.


The last time I hung out with Tyler, we were talking about band names and he said something that stuck in my mind. "Musicians take themselves too seriously." And it's true. I can hear my brothers listening to my cousin's band's music, and I'm remembering the time that the composer tried to enlighten me on the deeper meanings of his songs. In hindsight, there was this air of pretentious B.S. to every word he said. Everything just made me more confused as to what the songs actually meant, and some he just wouldn't even try to explain. We as musicians can write the deepest song in existence, but what's the point of no one gets it? Then we've helped no one. Even now as I write this, I find myself taking this far too seriously. So I'm cutting loose. music is art and beauty, but if it's not fun or simple, it loses what makes it beautiful. I think grandeur ideas of fame and depth cause us to lose sight of that somewhere. And somewhere in that realization, I become OK with being an acoustic solo musician. My music is my expression, but it doesn't have to prove to everyone in every song that I'm capable of deep, touching masterpieces. Call it a new Year's Resolution, but I resolve to chill and just enjoy what comes from each pen stroke and burst of inspiration. And I resolve to not take myself so seriously. Because if you take yourself too seriously, no one will ever be able to, and you may loose your chance to really touch someone