I found these old blogs I wrote about a year ago about my thoughts on love. I figured Id share them since I was real keen on them at the time I wrote them.
...I Began To Wonder If Love Will Ever Hold Me...
Thursday, April 16, 2009 at 10:51pm
Being post-breakup is teaching me a lot. God is taking me by the shoulders and in between hugs is shaking some sense into me, and I love it. In trying to avoid rebounding and the like, I've found a guy that is my best guy friend and like a brother to me. He challenges me to get in my Bible and fall in love with Jesus over and over just like Ty said I should.
Whoops, I'm getting off subject. Anyway.
We've been considering a relationship because we see healthy potentials there, but God has been putting up a roadblock. A big yellow sign that says "Hey, you two, Wait." In this season of waiting, I've gotten to do a lot of self evaluation, and I've found so many unhealthy flaws that carry over to my relationships, and I'm trying to work on those.
Also, I got myself a copy of The Thing That Poets Write About by Bradley Hathaway. I was at my grandma's house, just me and Isaiah, listening to this cd. This guy writes all these sad love songs that you can find your own pain in. I looked around at the wedding pictures and 50th anniversary pictures and I was listening to these sad songs about real love and thinking about the family that lived in this house...and I realized that I have no personal concept of love. Don't get me wrong, I've seen it in good marriages, and I've and some really good boyfriends, but I honestly don't think I've experienced real romantic love.
And as I was sitting there, mulling over this idea, listening to these sad songs, and I can't really explain how I felt. But now, I want to know what it is.
I was reading in Song of Solomon where it says, "Don't awaken love until it so desires" and I'm trying to take that to heart and see how it applies to me.
Let's back up to where I said "falling in love with Jesus over and over just like Ty said." About three weeks ago, I was sitting in CCC's youth group. and Chad asked who trusted God. I looked around the room and saw everyone with their hands up. But it didnt matter that they did, I could not raise my hand and be honest with myself. After that night, I just started digging into God's word and talking about God with Travis. In those three-ish weeks, its been amazing. i cant describe the turn-around. God is so good, and every day is beautiful. I want to write a million songs about it, because its love. Beautiful, true, passionate, raw, redeeming love. And He teaches me what love really is. I wish I could share this all with you.
I don't know if I'm making a point or even making any sense, but I thought I would try to explain my thought process.
Then a little while later, I wrote this one. This was when I had just started a relationship with Travis(The Foremans are his family, FYI)
I'm really enjoying all this thinking about how I don't get love. So I decided I'm going to write about it again. Thats why this is called "You Wont Want To Read This."
I've been trying to so some serious thinking about love. Not the cute gooey stuff that teen couples have(Don't get me wrong, I love that kind), but the real lasting kind. The kind it takes to make it "to death do us part."
I've been able to see great marriages around me all my life, and I've seen how deeply and truly they can be hurt, and I've seen what it takes to fix them. And I've realized that, contrary to what I previously believed, the "love" I've experienced in past relationship was nowhere near the real stuff. Shockingly, I'm ok with that. Actually, I'm pretty excited about it.
When we walked into the prom, two of the Foreman's family friends came running up to us and the young lady stuck out her left hand and showed off her engagement ring. I added her on Facebook and got to look at the engagement pictures of her and her fiance. They are entering into that real kind of love, and even though I hardly know them, I'm excited for them and its great to see.
It happened again. I was sitting in Travis's living room thinking about the conversation we had had with them earlier that day about relationships and how they looked at each other, or when Mr Foreman kissed his wife(I wasn't watching, sicko, it happened to catch my eye). I was thinking about the challenges they've had in raising four great kids and everything that had taken place in this house. I could see if between them, and I felt really blessed to just be in the presence of that. It makes me really excited for if/when I get to know that.
I'm not saying I'll learn this real love with Travis, or anyone within the next five, ten, or twenty years, but it was great to think about the mystery it is.
I can hardly wait.
I still think of Mr. and Mrs. Foreman quite a lot, even though their son and I are no longer together.They're really an amazing couple, and even though theyre not in my life very much anymore, I still love them so much,
So, I encourage you to go get a copy of The Thing That Poets Write About, The Thing That Singers Sing About and just sit down and listen to it all the way through(I just loaned my copy to my current romance interest. Im so excited for his thoughts!). Let it let you think. And if you hate it, well, then you dont have to trust my taste in music ever again.
Look up, look up, look up into the sky, love.
You see that moon shining so high up above us?
It rolls around on account of a bunch of scientific stuff,
I like to think He does it just because He loves us.