Just Because...

This post is for Aaron.



Because he wanted to know when he was going to get a post about him.

I think he's just jealous of max.

1) .hope now.

1.19.10
I've recently become obsessed with anchors as a symbol of hope. I've said that I want to spend the rest of my life helping hurting teens, preferably through music. So I'm pulling some ideas together, and this is what I've got so far. I want the anchor to be an icon. Like the Jesus fish or the letters TWLOHA. So every day, I will draw an anchor on my arm and write the word hope above or below it, and this is what it means.

"I care about you. I understand that you're hurting. I am a safe person to talk to.
I want to help."


Maybe it's unrealistic. Maybe it will never help anyone. But if you dont do anything, nothing will ever happen. So that's what I'm doing starting now.
I'm going to try to think of how to pitch it to Fishsticks & Milk, because with their exposure to teens in our area, it could do some real good.

Everything rides on hope.

I Should Probably Become a Nun...

The title has nothing to do with my last blog. Its about what I'm sharing with you today. I wrote this, as i call it, "pseudopoem" about a boy who then decided he didn't want to like me. I should probably swear off boys for a while.
1.18.10
We are both becoming such good actors. We play these parts of "just friends" so well. No one would know, we keep them all guessing. But we know the whispers we trade. You ask me to wait, hold back my heart through these years that threaten to keep us apart. But we both know I can't make promises. We both know that's asking too much. So we put on the make up and play our parts well. And entwine our fingers when the bright lights fade. But slowly, it fades to grey. And suddenly I see.
You're too good an actor for me.


Thanks to max for commenting on my last blog. You should probably leave a link to yours so i can read it C:

bono: "there's nothing worse than a rockstar with a cause."

Mason, Mason, Mason

I know I said I was gonna be posting writings from the Open Book project, but this is just something i really need to just write down. So its real time Open Book.

2.17.10
"There is nothing for you to offer a guy anymore."
How does a girl react to hearing that from one of her friends? What is she supposed to think? Or do?
This is the question I'm asking myself currently. But let me back up and tell you the story.

I have a friend named Mason. Mason is a Christian and sings in a punk band that I'm quite fond of. I developed a friendship with him this summer and we've bonded through our mutual love of punk rock, Jesus, and Cornerstone. Somewhere along the line I began to tell him about the poor choices I had made in a past relationship. No, I'm still a virgin(And you'll have to keep that in mind throughout the rest of this post. Mason's words will make you think otherwise.) And I never thought he thought a thing of it, aside from the initial disappointment and empathy. That was, until a month ago.

Seemingly out of nowhere, he began to share with me some of the finer points of his doctrine. Mason believes that:
A. God views sexual acts as sex.
B. God views sex as marriage.
so he believes
C. Sexual acts are viewed as marriage. Period.

Now, Im not saying that he is wrong. im saying I dont agree with him, AND I wont blindly accept his reality untill I look into it for myself. So as we had that discussion a month ago, I got more frustrated untill he decided he was going to "protect the friendship by not replying to me and let me be with Jesus."

What?! He dropped a spiritual bombshell and left me alone and torn? Thats just messed up.

So for a month, I thought about it occasionally, but not seriously. Then, on Valentine's Day(Sunday), we had an hour long discussion that ended in this.

"Please stop texting me. I haven't read your texts. I wont. This is so much harder for me than you know :( I need to focus on rescuing children and this disappointment from you is overwhelming. Im crying so hard! :( And please honor your past by obeying the scripture. Dont become an adulterer. I know you cant have a baby by another man. Youll look into your baby's eyes and cry knowing that mommy was with another man before daddy. It will pierce your heart to see those innocent eyes and remember your wrong. And even if it WERE ok to marry another man you must ask yourself, "How could I do this to my husband? How could I not have saved myself for him?" Remember your words. There is nothing for you to offer a guy anymore. Goodbye, please. But Jesus loves you. You're forgiven. Walk in that"

Phew. What an earful. Let's break this down.

"I need to focus on rescuing children."
Mason's band has the wonderful pleasure of being a spokesgroup for Compassion International, and they are very proud of this, as they should be.
But I think it's gone to Mason's head. He'd like to focus on the lives of third world, impoverished children. Awesome. But what about the kid right in front of him who needs some rescuing? I need rescuing from my guilt. My sin. My choices. And most importantly, from the condemnation of Mason himself. I need love, not a self-righteous man who appoints himself as my judge and jury.

"And please honor your past by obeying the scripture." What about in 1 Corinthians 13, where it says, "Love keeps no record of wrongs?"
What about Psalm 32:5 that says “...I confessed all my sins to You and stopped trying to hide them. I said to myself, ‘I will confess my rebellion to the LORD.’ And You forgave me! All my guilt is gone.”
Or Jeremiah 33:8? Isaiah 1:18
The list goes on and on.(http://www.allaboutprayer.org/verses-on-forgiveness-faq.htm was a great resource!)

"I know you cant have a baby by another man. Youll look into your baby's eyes and cry knowing that mommy was with another man before daddy. It will pierce your heart to see those innocent eyes and remember your wrong."
What?! Just...what?

"Jesus loves you." Yes, Mason, He does. He loved me so much that He said this, "I, the Lord made you, and I will not forget to help you. I have swept away your sins like the morning mists. I have scattered your offenses to the clouds. Oh, return to me, for I have paid the price to set you free." And I returned to Christ after falling away and making the poor choice that brought forth this whole conversation. I seek Him deeper than ever before.

"You're forgiven. Walk in that"
And so I will. I am forgiven. Jesus has washed me white as a wedding gown. The one that I believe no amount of sin should separate me, or anyone who made the choices I made, from wearing one day.

Apologies

(This is a real time post, not from the Open Book project)
I have recently been very rude, and offended my friend Tom. Tom is a very talented musician who makes me look like I know nothing. He composes music that blows me away and is very beautiful. But he is the one who I referenced in an earlier blog called Seriously?
Let me clarify.
Tom is NOT pretentious.
He is deeper than I can understand at my 17 year old vantage point.
His art, music, and photography(and here on his Facebook, where lots of good ones are)is more than I will probably ever be capable of, and i am jealous of it.
Just because I didnt understand his music does NOT mean that no one else can.
I only used our conversation about his lyrics as a launching off point for the blog and the idea that we take ourselves to seriously. So Im stating this as best as I can.
I was wrong.
And if you guys are interested in his music, PLEASE go check it out here.
My personal favorite(If you trust my judgment) is If So. I hope you all find the true beauty in his music that I understated.
I am sorry.

The First of Many About Fishsticks & Milk

1.14.10
I'm doing lots of thinking today...I think.
Fishsticks & Milk has officially made me an officer of their non-profit organization. Along with that, they asked me to be in charge of a show. Today we finally got the date and one of the bands pulled out. But I'm getting off topic.
I love telling people the story about how I joined F&M, but every time I do, I'm afraid that I come across as bragging. I had the privilege of donating some money to them, and I love telling that part. Not because I want people to think I'm a good person! But simply because it felt so good to contribute toward something like F&M because they're doing what I want to be doing. I tell the story to share my joys and my passions. Not to boost how someone views me. It feels like a rock and a hard place. The other day Tyler asked me how they could ever thank me for what I do for them(Which honestly isn't much!) And this is what I said. "Give kids a place where they can be distracted from the pain in their lives. I place where they can just forget their pain, be happy, and be a kid."
That's why I support them, That's why I tell the story. I don't want the story to be about how I'm such a "great person." I want the story to me about a bunch of college kids who are giving kids a place to go. Who are giving back. Who are making real change. And that's something to be taken seriously.

Seriously?

12.25.09
The last time I hung out with Tyler, we were talking about band names and he said something that stuck in my mind. "Musicians take themselves too seriously." And it's true. I can hear my brothers listening to my cousin's band's music, and I'm remembering the time that the composer tried to enlighten me on the deeper meanings of his songs. In hindsight, there was this air of pretentious B.S. to every word he said. Everything just made me more confused as to what the songs actually meant, and some he just wouldn't even try to explain. We as musicians can write the deepest song in existence, but what's the point of no one gets it? Then we've helped no one. Even now as I write this, I find myself taking this far too seriously. So I'm cutting loose. music is art and beauty, but if it's not fun or simple, it loses what makes it beautiful. I think grandeur ideas of fame and depth cause us to lose sight of that somewhere. And somewhere in that realization, I become OK with being an acoustic solo musician. My music is my expression, but it doesn't have to prove to everyone in every song that I'm capable of deep, touching masterpieces. Call it a new Year's Resolution, but I resolve to chill and just enjoy what comes from each pen stroke and burst of inspiration. And I resolve to not take myself so seriously. Because if you take yourself too seriously, no one will ever be able to, and you may loose your chance to really touch someone