Well Then...

Hey everyone(All 4 of you C: )
Once again, I've decided to take another stab at this blogging deal. I found out I might get to blog for Cornerstone so I decided I better dust off my writing.
So where have I been? School. Church. New friends. IAC. Taking pictures. But all that in good time. I could write really long posts about all of those, and I'm sure I will in due time.
Tomorrow and Thursday are my finals for this semester. In light of that, I got home last night and wrote a list of summer goals. I'm giving you all permission to kick my butt into gear if I fail at these.
Summer 2011
-Write something, even one line, every day.
-Blog once a week.
-Read more books from Summit.
-Play violin at last one a week.
-Play piano at least every other day.
-Learn more about shooting with 35mm film.
-Build a TLR and a Battlefield.
-Organize great shows.
-Listen to two or more podcasts a week.
-Make something at least once a week.
-Shoot no less than one roll of film in my pinhole camera a month(May, June, July).
-Hand write one letter a week.
-Get prints made and start developing a portfolio.
-Start getting rid of excess stuff.
-Sight read/ear train (Music theory stuff) once a week.
-No less than 150 situps a week(Someone dared me to this, so thats why it's in here.)
-Celebrate my birthday, since I'll actually be home.
-Have a bonfire or two.
-Add to the collage on my bedroom wall.
-Meet more Arrows(I'll explain that later).
-Contact LPHS and OTHS about job shadowing(Guidance Counselor. Heck yeah, I changed my major again.)
-Save no less than 10% or every paycheck.
-Find an effective way to save digital photo files to hardcopy.
-Build Rodney's girlfriend.
-Street art(Huge rasterbated photos, knitted graffiti, etc.)
-Work on my pseudo-fiction piece at least once a week.
-Spend a day in Chicago.

Sounds pretty do-able, right? Only one way to find out!

If I Can't Play For Them, I'll Blog For Them!

Hey guys! Man, I sure do suck at updating this thing. So many amazing things have happened that I can't wait to tell you about!
One of the COOLEST things was being picked as an official Cornerstone Festival blogger! That's right! I got to be a part of a team whose sole purpose was to write about an experience that words simply cannot express. Impossible task? Yes, but we sure were up for it! Here are the links to the posts I wrote!
http://www.cornerstonefestival.com/blog/?p=491
http://www.cornerstonefestival.com/blog/?p=499
http://www.cornerstonefestival.com/blog/?p=520
http://www.cornerstonefestival.com/blog/?p=732

Enjoy these! I hope to be back writing soon!
Love you all,
LauraREBEL

Just A Thought

(Ill be posting soon! I promise! Maybe Ill talk about...stick and poke?)

"...Everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." - Sylvia Plath

Beauty, To Me.

3.11.10
You're probably going to think I'm weird for calling this beautiful, but it is.
Let me back up.
I go to a big music festival called Cornerstone, and 3 years ago, I fell in love with the punk rock scene/movement, and I identify myself with it.
Yes, the mohawks, spikes, studs, patches...I love it all. Even though its often looked down upon as a group with angst, hatred, and anarchism, there is so much more to it if you take the time to look.

I'm also a follower of Jesus Christ.
(Wait, what? You can be both?)
And I find some of the punk rock Christians to be some of the most passionate people I've ever seen in my life.
This is Nate from FBS, reading from the Bible, live on stage.

And this is their drummer, Andrew.

I was walking around at the fest and made my way to Fat Calf stage, where a church service had just ended. But it was far from over. Andrew was standing near the stage with a young man, and what I saw will stay with me forever. Andrew had one arm around the guy, and the other was emphatically gesturing to show his passion. Both of them had their eyes closed. I stood close and watched(*cough* eavesdropped *cough*)as Andrew prayed for this guy.
I can honestly say I dont think I've ever seen anyone pray with such fervor. I wish I could just replay for you a few seconds of the minute or so I watched God using a dirty, 'angsty' punk like Andrew to change lives. That was beautiful.

And this.

Flatfoot 56 has been so influential in my walk with God. I wait all year for these 5 minutes right here(There are 99 days left till this year's Amazing Grace sing-a-long)
Let me explain why I love it.

Its midnight, and you've spent all day in the hot sun and the dirt and the dust, but you've got enough energy left in you for this one show. You spend all night running in the pits and helping up the people who fall. You're sweaty and gross, and so are the other 200 people crammed in this tent. Then, you know its coming. You put your arms around the people next to you, and chances are, they're big, burly guys that you've never met in your life, and you're just a little 17 year old girl. Their sweat is mixing with yours, and dripping off your elbow. The the entire place goes quiet in anticipation. The bagpipes drone, and then the first few notes of Amazing Grace are distinguishable. And you sing. You, the guys next to you, the guys on stage, your mom who came to try to understand why you love this so much, and every punk rock kid that some "Christians" would say are going to Hell for that haircut. You sing from your gut, and you dont even care if you hit a wrong note, because there is such a presence of God right there, that all you can do its sing.

I cant help but nearly cry every time I watch this video, because in some way, I think that's really how God intended us to be. Close, intimate, passionate, and all for Him. Maybe the sweat isnt so cute. Maybe the heat doesnt make you look so pretty. But a close encounter with God?
That is truly beautiful.

Picture Perfect(?)

3.11.10
I just finished reading a blog by Sarah Markley about beauty, and I figured I would chime in.




Most days, I look like this.
Note the acne and greasy hair.
But last Friday, I got to be this.
Sure, I had the help of a make up artist(My dear friend, Laci), but I feel like in that photo, I am beautiful. But is it lasting?
I posted the photo to my facebook and within hours, I had friends telling me how beautiful I looked. And a message from one of my other friends, who makes a living out of editing photos. He said that he enjoyed knowing every post-photography process that was used to make that photo so 'beautiful.'
And doubt kicked in. "Is that really what I looked like?" "How much was photoshop?" "How much concealer did Laci have to use?"
Then I realized.
It doesnt matter.

Today, my brother and I got a DVD of videos and pictures from a summer camp we attend, and I watched a video of one of my favorite skits from that week. The main character struggles with seeing herself as God's masterpiece, but God comes and shows her that when she surrenders over all the ugliness and flaws, He can make something truly beautiful.

So now, I start the process of handing over all those flaws. All the ugliness. Everything not of God. As he chisels away all the junk, His true masterpiece is sure to emerge.

1) .hope now.

1.19.10
I've recently become obsessed with anchors as a symbol of hope. I've said that I want to spend the rest of my life helping hurting teens, preferably through music. So I'm pulling some ideas together, and this is what I've got so far. I want the anchor to be an icon. Like the Jesus fish or the letters TWLOHA. So every day, I will draw an anchor on my arm and write the word hope above or below it, and this is what it means.

"I care about you. I understand that you're hurting. I am a safe person to talk to.
I want to help."


Maybe it's unrealistic. Maybe it will never help anyone. But if you dont do anything, nothing will ever happen. So that's what I'm doing starting now.
I'm going to try to think of how to pitch it to Fishsticks & Milk, because with their exposure to teens in our area, it could do some real good.

Everything rides on hope.

I Should Probably Become a Nun...

The title has nothing to do with my last blog. Its about what I'm sharing with you today. I wrote this, as i call it, "pseudopoem" about a boy who then decided he didn't want to like me. I should probably swear off boys for a while.
1.18.10
We are both becoming such good actors. We play these parts of "just friends" so well. No one would know, we keep them all guessing. But we know the whispers we trade. You ask me to wait, hold back my heart through these years that threaten to keep us apart. But we both know I can't make promises. We both know that's asking too much. So we put on the make up and play our parts well. And entwine our fingers when the bright lights fade. But slowly, it fades to grey. And suddenly I see.
You're too good an actor for me.


Thanks to max for commenting on my last blog. You should probably leave a link to yours so i can read it C:

Mason, Mason, Mason

I know I said I was gonna be posting writings from the Open Book project, but this is just something i really need to just write down. So its real time Open Book.

2.17.10
"There is nothing for you to offer a guy anymore."
How does a girl react to hearing that from one of her friends? What is she supposed to think? Or do?
This is the question I'm asking myself currently. But let me back up and tell you the story.

I have a friend named Mason. Mason is a Christian and sings in a punk band that I'm quite fond of. I developed a friendship with him this summer and we've bonded through our mutual love of punk rock, Jesus, and Cornerstone. Somewhere along the line I began to tell him about the poor choices I had made in a past relationship. No, I'm still a virgin(And you'll have to keep that in mind throughout the rest of this post. Mason's words will make you think otherwise.) And I never thought he thought a thing of it, aside from the initial disappointment and empathy. That was, until a month ago.

Seemingly out of nowhere, he began to share with me some of the finer points of his doctrine. Mason believes that:
A. God views sexual acts as sex.
B. God views sex as marriage.
so he believes
C. Sexual acts are viewed as marriage. Period.

Now, Im not saying that he is wrong. im saying I dont agree with him, AND I wont blindly accept his reality untill I look into it for myself. So as we had that discussion a month ago, I got more frustrated untill he decided he was going to "protect the friendship by not replying to me and let me be with Jesus."

What?! He dropped a spiritual bombshell and left me alone and torn? Thats just messed up.

So for a month, I thought about it occasionally, but not seriously. Then, on Valentine's Day(Sunday), we had an hour long discussion that ended in this.

"Please stop texting me. I haven't read your texts. I wont. This is so much harder for me than you know :( I need to focus on rescuing children and this disappointment from you is overwhelming. Im crying so hard! :( And please honor your past by obeying the scripture. Dont become an adulterer. I know you cant have a baby by another man. Youll look into your baby's eyes and cry knowing that mommy was with another man before daddy. It will pierce your heart to see those innocent eyes and remember your wrong. And even if it WERE ok to marry another man you must ask yourself, "How could I do this to my husband? How could I not have saved myself for him?" Remember your words. There is nothing for you to offer a guy anymore. Goodbye, please. But Jesus loves you. You're forgiven. Walk in that"

Phew. What an earful. Let's break this down.

"I need to focus on rescuing children."
Mason's band has the wonderful pleasure of being a spokesgroup for Compassion International, and they are very proud of this, as they should be.
But I think it's gone to Mason's head. He'd like to focus on the lives of third world, impoverished children. Awesome. But what about the kid right in front of him who needs some rescuing? I need rescuing from my guilt. My sin. My choices. And most importantly, from the condemnation of Mason himself. I need love, not a self-righteous man who appoints himself as my judge and jury.

"And please honor your past by obeying the scripture." What about in 1 Corinthians 13, where it says, "Love keeps no record of wrongs?"
What about Psalm 32:5 that says “...I confessed all my sins to You and stopped trying to hide them. I said to myself, ‘I will confess my rebellion to the LORD.’ And You forgave me! All my guilt is gone.”
Or Jeremiah 33:8? Isaiah 1:18
The list goes on and on.(http://www.allaboutprayer.org/verses-on-forgiveness-faq.htm was a great resource!)

"I know you cant have a baby by another man. Youll look into your baby's eyes and cry knowing that mommy was with another man before daddy. It will pierce your heart to see those innocent eyes and remember your wrong."
What?! Just...what?

"Jesus loves you." Yes, Mason, He does. He loved me so much that He said this, "I, the Lord made you, and I will not forget to help you. I have swept away your sins like the morning mists. I have scattered your offenses to the clouds. Oh, return to me, for I have paid the price to set you free." And I returned to Christ after falling away and making the poor choice that brought forth this whole conversation. I seek Him deeper than ever before.

"You're forgiven. Walk in that"
And so I will. I am forgiven. Jesus has washed me white as a wedding gown. The one that I believe no amount of sin should separate me, or anyone who made the choices I made, from wearing one day.

Apologies

(This is a real time post, not from the Open Book project)
I have recently been very rude, and offended my friend Tom. Tom is a very talented musician who makes me look like I know nothing. He composes music that blows me away and is very beautiful. But he is the one who I referenced in an earlier blog called Seriously?
Let me clarify.
Tom is NOT pretentious.
He is deeper than I can understand at my 17 year old vantage point.
His art, music, and photography(and here on his Facebook, where lots of good ones are)is more than I will probably ever be capable of, and i am jealous of it.
Just because I didnt understand his music does NOT mean that no one else can.
I only used our conversation about his lyrics as a launching off point for the blog and the idea that we take ourselves to seriously. So Im stating this as best as I can.
I was wrong.
And if you guys are interested in his music, PLEASE go check it out here.
My personal favorite(If you trust my judgment) is If So. I hope you all find the true beauty in his music that I understated.
I am sorry.

Seriously?

12.25.09
The last time I hung out with Tyler, we were talking about band names and he said something that stuck in my mind. "Musicians take themselves too seriously." And it's true. I can hear my brothers listening to my cousin's band's music, and I'm remembering the time that the composer tried to enlighten me on the deeper meanings of his songs. In hindsight, there was this air of pretentious B.S. to every word he said. Everything just made me more confused as to what the songs actually meant, and some he just wouldn't even try to explain. We as musicians can write the deepest song in existence, but what's the point of no one gets it? Then we've helped no one. Even now as I write this, I find myself taking this far too seriously. So I'm cutting loose. music is art and beauty, but if it's not fun or simple, it loses what makes it beautiful. I think grandeur ideas of fame and depth cause us to lose sight of that somewhere. And somewhere in that realization, I become OK with being an acoustic solo musician. My music is my expression, but it doesn't have to prove to everyone in every song that I'm capable of deep, touching masterpieces. Call it a new Year's Resolution, but I resolve to chill and just enjoy what comes from each pen stroke and burst of inspiration. And I resolve to not take myself so seriously. Because if you take yourself too seriously, no one will ever be able to, and you may loose your chance to really touch someone