I Know, This Is Lame

Guys, seriously. I feel like an idiot for not writing. Not that I get a ton of feedback, but for my 4 readers, I need to keep putting stuff out there.
I found these old blogs I wrote about a year ago about my thoughts on love. I figured Id share them since I was real keen on them at the time I wrote them.

...I Began To Wonder If Love Will Ever Hold Me...
Share
Thursday, April 16, 2009 at 10:51pm
Being post-breakup is teaching me a lot. God is taking me by the shoulders and in between hugs is shaking some sense into me, and I love it. In trying to avoid rebounding and the like, I've found a guy that is my best guy friend and like a brother to me. He challenges me to get in my Bible and fall in love with Jesus over and over just like Ty said I should.
Whoops, I'm getting off subject. Anyway.
We've been considering a relationship because we see healthy potentials there, but God has been putting up a roadblock. A big yellow sign that says "Hey, you two, Wait." In this season of waiting, I've gotten to do a lot of self evaluation, and I've found so many unhealthy flaws that carry over to my relationships, and I'm trying to work on those.
Also, I got myself a copy of The Thing That Poets Write About by Bradley Hathaway. I was at my grandma's house, just me and Isaiah, listening to this cd. This guy writes all these sad love songs that you can find your own pain in. I looked around at the wedding pictures and 50th anniversary pictures and I was listening to these sad songs about real love and thinking about the family that lived in this house...and I realized that I have no personal concept of love. Don't get me wrong, I've seen it in good marriages, and I've and some really good boyfriends, but I honestly don't think I've experienced real romantic love.
And as I was sitting there, mulling over this idea, listening to these sad songs, and I can't really explain how I felt. But now, I want to know what it is.
I was reading in Song of Solomon where it says, "Don't awaken love until it so desires" and I'm trying to take that to heart and see how it applies to me.
Let's back up to where I said "falling in love with Jesus over and over just like Ty said." About three weeks ago, I was sitting in CCC's youth group. and Chad asked who trusted God. I looked around the room and saw everyone with their hands up. But it didnt matter that they did, I could not raise my hand and be honest with myself. After that night, I just started digging into God's word and talking about God with Travis. In those three-ish weeks, its been amazing. i cant describe the turn-around. God is so good, and every day is beautiful. I want to write a million songs about it, because its love. Beautiful, true, passionate, raw, redeeming love. And He teaches me what love really is. I wish I could share this all with you.
I don't know if I'm making a point or even making any sense, but I thought I would try to explain my thought process.

Then a little while later, I wrote this one. This was when I had just started a relationship with Travis(The Foremans are his family, FYI)

I'm really enjoying all this thinking about how I don't get love. So I decided I'm going to write about it again. Thats why this is called "You Wont Want To Read This."
I've been trying to so some serious thinking about love. Not the cute gooey stuff that teen couples have(Don't get me wrong, I love that kind), but the real lasting kind. The kind it takes to make it "to death do us part."
I've been able to see great marriages around me all my life, and I've seen how deeply and truly they can be hurt, and I've seen what it takes to fix them. And I've realized that, contrary to what I previously believed, the "love" I've experienced in past relationship was nowhere near the real stuff. Shockingly, I'm ok with that. Actually, I'm pretty excited about it.
When we walked into the prom, two of the Foreman's family friends came running up to us and the young lady stuck out her left hand and showed off her engagement ring. I added her on Facebook and got to look at the engagement pictures of her and her fiance. They are entering into that real kind of love, and even though I hardly know them, I'm excited for them and its great to see.
It happened again. I was sitting in Travis's living room thinking about the conversation we had had with them earlier that day about relationships and how they looked at each other, or when Mr Foreman kissed his wife(I wasn't watching, sicko, it happened to catch my eye). I was thinking about the challenges they've had in raising four great kids and everything that had taken place in this house. I could see if between them, and I felt really blessed to just be in the presence of that. It makes me really excited for if/when I get to know that.
I'm not saying I'll learn this real love with Travis, or anyone within the next five, ten, or twenty years, but it was great to think about the mystery it is.
I can hardly wait.

I still think of Mr. and Mrs. Foreman quite a lot, even though their son and I are no longer together.They're really an amazing couple, and even though theyre not in my life very much anymore, I still love them so much,

So, I encourage you to go get a copy of The Thing That Poets Write About, The Thing That Singers Sing About and just sit down and listen to it all the way through(I just loaned my copy to my current romance interest. Im so excited for his thoughts!). Let it let you think. And if you hate it, well, then you dont have to trust my taste in music ever again.

Look up, look up, look up into the sky, love.
You see that moon shining so high up above us?
It rolls around on account of a bunch of scientific stuff,
I like to think He does it just because He loves us.

Mason, Mason, Mason

I know I said I was gonna be posting writings from the Open Book project, but this is just something i really need to just write down. So its real time Open Book.

2.17.10
"There is nothing for you to offer a guy anymore."
How does a girl react to hearing that from one of her friends? What is she supposed to think? Or do?
This is the question I'm asking myself currently. But let me back up and tell you the story.

I have a friend named Mason. Mason is a Christian and sings in a punk band that I'm quite fond of. I developed a friendship with him this summer and we've bonded through our mutual love of punk rock, Jesus, and Cornerstone. Somewhere along the line I began to tell him about the poor choices I had made in a past relationship. No, I'm still a virgin(And you'll have to keep that in mind throughout the rest of this post. Mason's words will make you think otherwise.) And I never thought he thought a thing of it, aside from the initial disappointment and empathy. That was, until a month ago.

Seemingly out of nowhere, he began to share with me some of the finer points of his doctrine. Mason believes that:
A. God views sexual acts as sex.
B. God views sex as marriage.
so he believes
C. Sexual acts are viewed as marriage. Period.

Now, Im not saying that he is wrong. im saying I dont agree with him, AND I wont blindly accept his reality untill I look into it for myself. So as we had that discussion a month ago, I got more frustrated untill he decided he was going to "protect the friendship by not replying to me and let me be with Jesus."

What?! He dropped a spiritual bombshell and left me alone and torn? Thats just messed up.

So for a month, I thought about it occasionally, but not seriously. Then, on Valentine's Day(Sunday), we had an hour long discussion that ended in this.

"Please stop texting me. I haven't read your texts. I wont. This is so much harder for me than you know :( I need to focus on rescuing children and this disappointment from you is overwhelming. Im crying so hard! :( And please honor your past by obeying the scripture. Dont become an adulterer. I know you cant have a baby by another man. Youll look into your baby's eyes and cry knowing that mommy was with another man before daddy. It will pierce your heart to see those innocent eyes and remember your wrong. And even if it WERE ok to marry another man you must ask yourself, "How could I do this to my husband? How could I not have saved myself for him?" Remember your words. There is nothing for you to offer a guy anymore. Goodbye, please. But Jesus loves you. You're forgiven. Walk in that"

Phew. What an earful. Let's break this down.

"I need to focus on rescuing children."
Mason's band has the wonderful pleasure of being a spokesgroup for Compassion International, and they are very proud of this, as they should be.
But I think it's gone to Mason's head. He'd like to focus on the lives of third world, impoverished children. Awesome. But what about the kid right in front of him who needs some rescuing? I need rescuing from my guilt. My sin. My choices. And most importantly, from the condemnation of Mason himself. I need love, not a self-righteous man who appoints himself as my judge and jury.

"And please honor your past by obeying the scripture." What about in 1 Corinthians 13, where it says, "Love keeps no record of wrongs?"
What about Psalm 32:5 that says “...I confessed all my sins to You and stopped trying to hide them. I said to myself, ‘I will confess my rebellion to the LORD.’ And You forgave me! All my guilt is gone.”
Or Jeremiah 33:8? Isaiah 1:18
The list goes on and on.(http://www.allaboutprayer.org/verses-on-forgiveness-faq.htm was a great resource!)

"I know you cant have a baby by another man. Youll look into your baby's eyes and cry knowing that mommy was with another man before daddy. It will pierce your heart to see those innocent eyes and remember your wrong."
What?! Just...what?

"Jesus loves you." Yes, Mason, He does. He loved me so much that He said this, "I, the Lord made you, and I will not forget to help you. I have swept away your sins like the morning mists. I have scattered your offenses to the clouds. Oh, return to me, for I have paid the price to set you free." And I returned to Christ after falling away and making the poor choice that brought forth this whole conversation. I seek Him deeper than ever before.

"You're forgiven. Walk in that"
And so I will. I am forgiven. Jesus has washed me white as a wedding gown. The one that I believe no amount of sin should separate me, or anyone who made the choices I made, from wearing one day.