Beauty, To Me.

3.11.10
You're probably going to think I'm weird for calling this beautiful, but it is.
Let me back up.
I go to a big music festival called Cornerstone, and 3 years ago, I fell in love with the punk rock scene/movement, and I identify myself with it.
Yes, the mohawks, spikes, studs, patches...I love it all. Even though its often looked down upon as a group with angst, hatred, and anarchism, there is so much more to it if you take the time to look.

I'm also a follower of Jesus Christ.
(Wait, what? You can be both?)
And I find some of the punk rock Christians to be some of the most passionate people I've ever seen in my life.
This is Nate from FBS, reading from the Bible, live on stage.

And this is their drummer, Andrew.

I was walking around at the fest and made my way to Fat Calf stage, where a church service had just ended. But it was far from over. Andrew was standing near the stage with a young man, and what I saw will stay with me forever. Andrew had one arm around the guy, and the other was emphatically gesturing to show his passion. Both of them had their eyes closed. I stood close and watched(*cough* eavesdropped *cough*)as Andrew prayed for this guy.
I can honestly say I dont think I've ever seen anyone pray with such fervor. I wish I could just replay for you a few seconds of the minute or so I watched God using a dirty, 'angsty' punk like Andrew to change lives. That was beautiful.

And this.

Flatfoot 56 has been so influential in my walk with God. I wait all year for these 5 minutes right here(There are 99 days left till this year's Amazing Grace sing-a-long)
Let me explain why I love it.

Its midnight, and you've spent all day in the hot sun and the dirt and the dust, but you've got enough energy left in you for this one show. You spend all night running in the pits and helping up the people who fall. You're sweaty and gross, and so are the other 200 people crammed in this tent. Then, you know its coming. You put your arms around the people next to you, and chances are, they're big, burly guys that you've never met in your life, and you're just a little 17 year old girl. Their sweat is mixing with yours, and dripping off your elbow. The the entire place goes quiet in anticipation. The bagpipes drone, and then the first few notes of Amazing Grace are distinguishable. And you sing. You, the guys next to you, the guys on stage, your mom who came to try to understand why you love this so much, and every punk rock kid that some "Christians" would say are going to Hell for that haircut. You sing from your gut, and you dont even care if you hit a wrong note, because there is such a presence of God right there, that all you can do its sing.

I cant help but nearly cry every time I watch this video, because in some way, I think that's really how God intended us to be. Close, intimate, passionate, and all for Him. Maybe the sweat isnt so cute. Maybe the heat doesnt make you look so pretty. But a close encounter with God?
That is truly beautiful.

1) .hope now.

1.19.10
I've recently become obsessed with anchors as a symbol of hope. I've said that I want to spend the rest of my life helping hurting teens, preferably through music. So I'm pulling some ideas together, and this is what I've got so far. I want the anchor to be an icon. Like the Jesus fish or the letters TWLOHA. So every day, I will draw an anchor on my arm and write the word hope above or below it, and this is what it means.

"I care about you. I understand that you're hurting. I am a safe person to talk to.
I want to help."


Maybe it's unrealistic. Maybe it will never help anyone. But if you dont do anything, nothing will ever happen. So that's what I'm doing starting now.
I'm going to try to think of how to pitch it to Fishsticks & Milk, because with their exposure to teens in our area, it could do some real good.

Everything rides on hope.

Apologies

(This is a real time post, not from the Open Book project)
I have recently been very rude, and offended my friend Tom. Tom is a very talented musician who makes me look like I know nothing. He composes music that blows me away and is very beautiful. But he is the one who I referenced in an earlier blog called Seriously?
Let me clarify.
Tom is NOT pretentious.
He is deeper than I can understand at my 17 year old vantage point.
His art, music, and photography(and here on his Facebook, where lots of good ones are)is more than I will probably ever be capable of, and i am jealous of it.
Just because I didnt understand his music does NOT mean that no one else can.
I only used our conversation about his lyrics as a launching off point for the blog and the idea that we take ourselves to seriously. So Im stating this as best as I can.
I was wrong.
And if you guys are interested in his music, PLEASE go check it out here.
My personal favorite(If you trust my judgment) is If So. I hope you all find the true beauty in his music that I understated.
I am sorry.

Seriously?

12.25.09
The last time I hung out with Tyler, we were talking about band names and he said something that stuck in my mind. "Musicians take themselves too seriously." And it's true. I can hear my brothers listening to my cousin's band's music, and I'm remembering the time that the composer tried to enlighten me on the deeper meanings of his songs. In hindsight, there was this air of pretentious B.S. to every word he said. Everything just made me more confused as to what the songs actually meant, and some he just wouldn't even try to explain. We as musicians can write the deepest song in existence, but what's the point of no one gets it? Then we've helped no one. Even now as I write this, I find myself taking this far too seriously. So I'm cutting loose. music is art and beauty, but if it's not fun or simple, it loses what makes it beautiful. I think grandeur ideas of fame and depth cause us to lose sight of that somewhere. And somewhere in that realization, I become OK with being an acoustic solo musician. My music is my expression, but it doesn't have to prove to everyone in every song that I'm capable of deep, touching masterpieces. Call it a new Year's Resolution, but I resolve to chill and just enjoy what comes from each pen stroke and burst of inspiration. And I resolve to not take myself so seriously. Because if you take yourself too seriously, no one will ever be able to, and you may loose your chance to really touch someone