Im Too Selfish For Catchy Titles

3.26.10
Ok, this is probably the biggest epiphany Ive had in a while, and its a doozy.
So hold on to your seats, ladies, here it is:

I am selfish.

You say, "Wait...that's it?" Yes. That's it. But before you title me as the blogger who cried wolf, give me a chance to explain.
About a month or so ago, I was talking to one of my closest friends at the time. He and I had been flirting the line between friendship and "relationship" for a little while, but I just wasn't sure if that was what I really wanted. Then one night, during another one of our regular 11P.M. phone calls, he began to get very frustrated, upset, and maybe even angry. In a slow voice that was beginning to shake with anger, he said four words that broke me.

"You are so selfish."

Now, before you charge after him with pitchforks and torches for being so rude, let me be the first to say, he is completely right. I am selfish, and I am learning that.
I had been telling him the whole time that I didn't really know if I wanted a relationship, but I was treating him as if I did, and as if he were my boyfriend, though that wasn't even what I really wanted. He had every right to be angry.
But since then, for completely different reasons, we haven't been able to talk much recently, and I've been able to clear my head from the self-inflicted smog that romantic emotions and words bring, and Ive been able to think. I hung out with some guys around my age, and some teen couples, and thought about how much I wanted a someone.Someone to hold my hand and kiss my cheek. Someone to be there, and be mine. Then I wondered why. Why did I want a someone so bad? Did I want it so I could pour myself into that person and deny myself for them?
Not at all!
I want a someone for me. To make me feel special. To make me feel valuable.
How messed up is that? I'm ashamed to admit my mind even functions that way. Love is not about yourself at all, and I'm turning it into something so ugly and about me. That's not love, that's lust. That's not love, that's pure, unadulterated selfishness.
So now, here I am, with this huge realization. What's next? While I do believe that being aware of it is half the battle, there is still half a war to be fought with no strategy. I do know that until this is healed and changed for good, remaining single is the best, if not, the only choice. But aside from that, what?
I'm open for advice and willing to share with you your struggles along the road. I'm not in this alonem and neither are you.

Now that I've laid all my dirt out there, what about you? How can you make your life and your actions about someone else, whether it be romantically like me, or even a friend or sibling?

I encourage you, no, I challenge you to find some way today to make an everyday thing about someone else. And I challenge you to do it tomorrow
and the next day
and the next.
Maybe you'll have an epiphany of your very own.

-Laura